You don’t tell your kids to clean their room because then you would have to clean yours.
You hate baby talk, and prefer to talk to your baby the same way you talk to any other human. You’re constantly asking people to please use real words and complete sentences when they speak to him.
You’ve made Punnett Squares for your family for every observable trait. You know the probability of all of your kids being left-handed.
You don’t like talking to other parents because they always want to talk about kids.
Your kids are always running late for school, and it’s usually your fault.
When your child is upset or fussy, you almost immediately know what he needs because of your extraordinary intuition, perception, and analysis.
You’ve read twenty times more academic articles about child development and pediatric medicine than parenting books or blogs.
You censor your children’s books for factual inaccuracies, grammatical errors, and educational value.
Your children have more books than toys. You collect books for them that they won’t be able to understand for years.
Your child frequently goes to preschool with peanut butter on her face from the day before. You can’t remember the last time you gave her a bath.
While other moms talk about not having enough time for their beauty routine after having a baby, you never had a beauty routine to begin with and have always spent as little time on your appearance as you do now.
You can always understand what your one-year-old is trying to say, even when no one else does. You’re so good at deciphering toddler speech that you often know what other toddlers are trying to say before their parents do.
Every few months you decide you’re going to be totally organized and keep your diaper bag stocked with everything you could possibly need for outings with your baby. After a few days, you decide it’s a waste of time and a symptom of hyper-consumerist over-parenting to carry a diaper bag at all. Also, you forgot to buy diapers again.
You choose baby clothes based on how easy they are to put on. All of your baby’s outfits consist of one article of clothing with no more than one zipper or three snaps.
You are constantly analyzing your children to figure out their Myers-Briggs types.
You started decorating your baby’s nursery while you were pregnant, but then you lost interest and now she’s three years old and still has bare walls and only two pieces of furniture in her room.
Your 2-year-old can correctly identify photos of a nebula and supernova; knows the difference between a rocket, satellite, and space probe; and can name seven different species of whales.
You hope your kid won’t be invited to any birthday parties, because then she’ll want you to throw one for her.
You dread long holiday weekends because you can’t stand the noise and commotion of spending so many days in a row with your spouse and kids.